My 24th Year

4/29/2010

2010-04-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

This is a song that is on repeat in my head today. The band is called Gungor and they are the most epic of epic. Just listen, you wont regret it.

Sorry that I havent posted anything in a very long time, there has been alot going on and even thought I am usually at full disclosure on here, I have felt like keeping most of it to my journal and a few close friends and my parents. Life is making some big changes in me and right now I feel liek I am being dragged through the mud emotionally....but it will all be good. God is love, and I am love and I have faith that he is leading me where I am supposed to be.

April 18, 2010

2010-04-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

John Elderidge says just to listen and God will answer your questions.

..and all I hear is a self aware version of my self saying, "We got this Robby, it is all going to be okay. Im there."

So, I am just going to...trust and pray. Cause if he opens doors, I will take care of the legwork.

...i just wish I understood more.

Quote of the Day

2010-04-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I am trying to figure out how that could be.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

My first Bible verse I am committing to memory...

2010-03-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

Psalm 139

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Here it is read by Amena Brown

Im kind of loving her today.

Love you guys like its going out of style.

March 28, 2010

2010-03-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

So I learned a very valuable lesson today. The fact that if you work a friendship just right, it does not matter what you do you can just slip right back into it. Almost as if you just saw each other the other day and it had been months.

It is beautiful knowing friendships like that exhist.

2010-03-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

My life has the potential to be pretty beautiful if I just let it be.

March 25, 2010

2010-03-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

A lesson in Gratitude-

So...you know there are those times when you realize things about yourself that you know have been there for way too long and you are really surprised (and quite possibly a bit ashamed) that it went on as long as it has and you did not address it.

Well my lovely readers, I would like to present the case that I am not someone who takes moments to realize that even though I tend to hit melancholy pretty easily there are things in my life that are "hella-good" and I would like to take the time to address them, if I may, be they trivial or serious.

Friends-

Ashley-My friend, we knew we would be fast friends when way long ago I was wearing a black W.W.J.D. bracelet and you said "who wants jack daniels?" and I said "Let's be friends." but beyond that you have always been the person who will hold that mirror to my face and say "look". Thanks for keeping me real. Thanks for keeping me looking fresh too (even when I dont want to be) forealsies

Katie-I could devote an entire book to you my darling. I am thankful for my life being quite different because of you, and I am thankful for enough stories to use as life lessons for our kids that I will need on a wide array of topics :). Favorites for life.

Beth-Just thank you for being you. I need more of you in my life.

Jacob-Thank you for listening and giving your thoughts on my ideas. I also need more of you in my life.

Robin-I still cannot believe you liked Mirrors. And Im glad that even though we dont agree on much we still can be friends. Also, Alisan Porter to Matrix....go

I am thankful for:
-Finding my faith again.
-Dogs- Current and future and all in between.
-The bunny rabbit party I totally busted up in my driveway when I was coming home from work.
-A cool brother.
-A loving family.
-Zooey Deschanel.
-Rob Bell.
-The Smiths.
-Nelson Mandella.
-President Barack Obama.
-Love.
-Hope.
-Construction paper. (you would have to see the walls around my house to get that one.
-Bible Study.
-Good food.
-NPR
-PBR
-Christian Radio
...and many more things.

Well on that note I am going to go read and go to bed.

Keep it real kids.

Love you.

2010-03-24T14:00:00.001-07:00

Dear God,
Please teach me to be a little braver.
Teach me to love myself a little better.
Love, Robby

March 23, 2010

2010-03-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

So today I got really frustrated.
Yesterday at work some things where said to me and I went into work with my parents blessing as well as a full intention to turn in my two weeks notice.
I have just about had my fill.
I was texting with my mother, and I said to her "maybe I dream to big." and "why has my life turned out this way?"
her reply
"dreams and life dont happen you have to work for both"
...sometimes I feel totally blessed to have my mother as my mother. She also said I needed to "grow up and decide what I want and do it."

Which I think I am doing???

My problem is I am a dreamer that needs to put in the legwork. I also have realized that I am the kind of person that puts my needs behind others, something that can be a good thing but seems like moreso gets abused.

I guess I just have little faith in myself.

So hear is a thought, as a Christian should I take my same mustard seed faith and apply it to my way in a form of radical self love? Keeping God and People first but reaching even further to love myself a little too?

...I don't think this is wrong but I am going to look into it a little bit more.

So I have been listening to Christian radio a lot more lately and I hear this song by the Sidewalk Prophets that I thought I would share:

The Words I Would Say:

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

I cry everytime I hear that song.

March 22, 2010

2010-03-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a fun day. Ashley and I got to go on a wild rainy foggy adventure to Asheville N.C. where she got to try on fun clothes and we ate A LOT of really good food.

Today was different though. Today I spent most of the day crying, and I don't know why. I was cold and tired all day.

Mom says it is because I don't rest, and that I have lost my effort to make an effort. Maybe she's right.

Listening to:

NeedtoBreathe - Washed By The Water

2010-03-19T00:55:00.001-07:00

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Trying to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

March 14, 2010

2010-03-14T00:43:00.000-08:00

So, if you are looking for an action movie that put you on the edge of your seat waiting for what happens next than I totally reccomend wanted to you. Wanted is the story of a man whose daughter is taken by mobsters (if you will) for sex trafficing...and he goes to find her. It is a good movie. But that is not what this blog is about...

...This blog is about things that have happened to me in the past when I was in Europe and being approached by girls and not knowing the severity of what could have or was happening to them. This movie brought back all of that and has filled my head with these girls that I had some how forgotten these girls who God only knows what has happened to them. These girls are what consumes me tonight.

I am tearing up just thinking about this and full of rage that I didnt know I could have. I am mad at myself for not praying for these girls, mad at myself for forgetting them.

.....how do we do this to each other???.....

I really dont have anything else to say, except I love you. I love them. But I wish we where all better.

God Bless.

March 13, 2010

2010-03-13T11:17:00.000-08:00

So I haven't wrote in awhile. Not because I have not wanted too, but just because some of...well most of the things that have been going on are either really personal and would take an epic amount of courage to put out there for everyone to read or just not anything that would be interesting.

So wahs going on in my life at the moment.

I shaved my own head, I started out just saying that it was out of a desire to not spend money but really I think it was something much deeper. A testiment to make myself bare of everything that can hide me. It's still not perfect and its got some choppy parts but the longer I keep it that way the more I am in love with it. Who am I trying to impress anyway?...

2010-03-06T07:00:00.001-08:00

Had a dream last night I was running the NYC marathon, at night, in the rain, on top of fold out tables. I had to finish because this ladycop said "who do you think you are running this marathon? Win it. We want to go home"

ASHLEY MARIE

2010-03-02T21:00:00.001-08:00

you and me.

we need to get together and go vintage shopping..and talk about how silly it would be to won 365 perfumes...

....lets make this happen, cause I miss you

Love

Robby

2010-02-26T10:03:00.001-08:00

How many times am I allowed to listen to Switcfoot a week before it becomes obsessive?

2010-02-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

2010-02-20T22:30:00.001-08:00

"Every one of us is sort of a figment of our own imaginations" Kris Kristofferson

2010-02-20T11:39:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wish I didn't wish so much.

2010-02-20T11:35:00.001-08:00

I wonder if I keep breaking promises to myself that eventually I will quit believing anything I say is true.

2010-02-20T11:27:00.001-08:00

"That's what's so amazing about Jesus. He had an extraordinary reaction to an ordinary moment. And my problem is that I claim to follow him and I want to live life the way he does, but often I don't." - Vince Antonucci- Guerrilla Lovers

five senses friday

2010-02-19T09:44:00.001-08:00

So I picked this up from blogger abbytryagain. It's a way to sit down and reflect a little bit about whats going on in life.

Seeing: Finally a sunny Friday. The past few Fridays have been snow and slush and aweful. I still managed to have a small adventure last weekend, but today is all good. Beautiful.

Hearing:Switchfoot. All the time. I have listened to Hello Hurricane atleast once a day this whole week.

Tasting: I got spoiled last weekend to going to sit down in a restaurant and enjoying food again. I don't get to do this enough and I think it may be a problem. So maybe I'll sneek away and do this again sometime.

Smelling: Hope. My mom bought me this sent packet for my car, it is called Hope and I am not sure how to describe the sent besides just saying it is goodness...and maybe puppies with a splash of baby laughter...but that is just a guess.

Feeling: The wind is pretty epic. I am pretty sure I saw Piglet being blown away yesterday.

Happy Friday everybody!

Valentines Day

2010-02-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure that it is your best friends who are the ones who are willing to hold up the mirror in front of your face and say "I'm worried" I got this today from someone who I love dearly.

This all started because this weekend I got scared. I was having a great night with friends that I love. It had snowed and we where all in our pajamas, we played in the snow, we watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics...and then...it all goes dark...until I wake up to a blurry memory of sitting in front of the toilet getting sick...then I woke up in the morning. I got very sick. It happens. I have gotten sick before, but...something about this time just cut me deep. I was fighting with myself earlier in the day and had to take my medicine so I have a feeling that that was part of what sent me over the top.

I want to understand why. I know for the past couple weeks that I have been in the gutter. I have been at the breaking point. I have began to change my life completely. I feel like I got to some low, deep dirty places in my being and I am ready to let the light in. I am trying. I got the best quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, she says "Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."

So I am actively pursuing God in an attempt to become a better me. I went to church today and being Valentines Day the sermon was about love using the 13th Chapter of First Corinthians -

1 Corinthians 13 (New Living Translation)

Love Is the Greatest
1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

I am pretty sure I will have this memorized soon enough.

So I am not saying I am happy. I am not saying I am fixed. I am broken. I am sad. I am. I am. My self is full of holes that ache to be filled. But I am on the road, and I know Jesus is by my side. I pray for grace. I pray for peace. I pray to be made into a warrior of love.

I don't want to be one of those guys who drinks his life away. Me and Him have had a talk. I told him I was tired. I told him, it's time to go. I am not saying that I will never go out again. I am not saying another drink will not pass my lips. I am saying I am tired of loosing myself. I want to be able to enjoy life to the fullest...and remember it. I want to make this life an adventure that is so great that when I get to heaven God says, "you loved well. you lived well. you did good."

So I am making a pledge to myself. To let there be cracks in my heart so that the light can get in. To make every day an adventure. To pray. To read the Bible. To do good. To live well. To love well." So those of you who love me,I need your help. I need you to hold me accountable to myself. I need you to have faith in me even when I don't have faith in myself. I need you to love me. I need you to pray for me (if you pray).

Well I am going to close this now saying simply...

Namaste. I love you.

Untitled Day

2010-02-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

So last night I got home to find out that my Uncle Herman had dies.

he was very sick from cancer, and he went in his sleep.

...death scares me.

But for some reason it hasnt affected me like I thought it would. I mean, it is sad...but according to everything I have read in the past few months he is having a party in heaven and the next phase of his adventure has begun and this one...this one is pretty epic.

I also cannot get the Peter Pan quote "to die will be an awefully big adventure" out of my head.

So it did hit me for a little while, but last time I saw him he was so small and he was very sick so I just cannot be to sad...is that bad? Whatever darkness happened in this world is not with him anymore...

My mom has taken it hard, as I am sure she would it being her brother. I know how I feel about mine and shes known him alot longer that I have known mine. Gran isnt letting herself get upset too much, she knows its not good for her...so thats good. SO just keep a prayer going for us. Its a sad patch but were doing alright...I think.

So I am researching Lent, I have heard about it all my life but I dont know exactly what it is. I know I am going to make this one memorable.

Anyway, watch Be Kind Rewind...it will change your life.

and also Mom sent me one of those emails that have inspiration in them and there was a beautiful quote:

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass....

it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

Be kinder than necessary,

Because everyone you meet

Is fighting some kind of battle.

So, I will leave you with that...something to think about...

I love you all. Remind me to hug you when I see you.

2010-02-08T20:56:00.001-08:00

When we last left our hero...

2010-02-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

He was standing at a crossroads on his way to work.

The pent up feelings of things being out of his control where getting to him.

When he got to work all was well but the feeling...would not go away.

Finally at work he just decided "if you can't beat them, join them" and he let himself go and actually have fun...at work? yes. it CAN happen.

I am not saying that this will ever happen again, but the fact of the matter is that it did happen once.

And prayer works. Works well.

So prayer is starting to help me learn that I really am not in poer of myself. Infact I really have no power at all...and I am fine with that. It is hard having to make all the decisions sometimes. I will gloadly give all mo troubles to God. I am pretty sure he knows better how to take care of them than I do.

So the house is having a sad moment. My Uncle Herman passed away. He was very sick with cancer and he died in his sleep. I don't know everything but I think it was pretty peaceful and I know he is in a better place than you or I.

So just remember my gran in your prayers, as well as my mom. Mom is heartbroken.

Well I am going to drink some tea, practice my knitting, think, shower and sleep.

I love you all. Even the ugly ones.

Monday Febuary 8 2010

2010-02-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord,

Help me see the way.

Love,
Robby

2010-02-05T22:43:00.001-08:00

Tonight at work all I wanted to do was run out of the door screaming "this isn't the life I signed up for" but I know that is not the way to do things. You work. You learn. You grow.

You know what. Its time I stop letting my job effect the happiness of my life.

I bet your all sick of my whining. I know I am.

Adam

2010-02-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

I think this movie is one of the best films I have seen in a very long time. It is not your everyday love story. But it is definatly a story about overcoming odds and the power that relationships have on people. You must see this. If Religilous put me in a down mood about people somehow this one made it all better.

Love you all.

An Image For Your Mind Today....

2010-02-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

Rainy Friday

2010-02-05T10:01:00.000-08:00

I am trying to keep myself thinking about the positives today. Since today is supposed to be my day off, yet I have to work this is going to be quite the challenge. But as I have said in an earlier post I will try to find a way to make this extra day of work better.

(time passes)

So it has been raining for two days and I can feel it in my bones. I really don't want to do anything. I feel like just laying in bed and forgetting today even happened. I am having a hard time keeping my spirits up these days. I miss seeing the people I love. I knew that I would be taking on alot at work and I even said I would take on a work week with one day off but the fact of the matter is I need some time to just unwind with those close to me. Sometime for those connections.

I was driving to work yesterday and I was listening to The Swell Season and I just started praying. I talk to God alot more these days even though some days I don't feel like I do it right. I pray for guidance and peace of mind mostly these days. I pray for love. I was listening to this sermon the other day and the pastor said "one of the greatest things about being a pastor is you get to fall in love everyday but that one of the worst is that you get to fall in love everyday. I am beginning to see that kind of love in my own life. I want to understand. My mother knows that these past few months have been hard on me. She tells me to stop listening to everything that is wrong with the world and listen to music that has some hope to it. The thong about that is thought is that I have seen and read and know so much that in my heart I cannot just pretend that it doesn't exist anymore. I want to do my part in making the world just a little better. Making life "on earth as it is in heaven" if you will.

That is another thing that has been bothering me is the fact that in my heart I want to do all of this and feel like I need to do this but I am trying to get my head on board. My head is a bit fearful. My head is apprehensive. My head doesn't want my heart to ache any worse...but my heart thinks it can manage.

I don't know. That is beautiful I think, the fact that I don't know. What do I knoiw for sure is that I need to do something with my life because at the moment there is just far too much going on in my life that is not productive.

So in other news I found a new place where I plan to buy all of my books. I found this website online called Bette World Books profits from sales go to all sorts of charities. I am pretty sure they have stolen me from Barnes and Noble.

Anyway I have to go finish getting ready. I hope you all have a good rainy evening, or a good non-rainy evening...wherever you are.

I send my love, everyday.

Dear Mystery Girl Found Online,

2010-02-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

My name is Robby and I want to buy you coffee.
Then take you out to dinner.

Let me know how you feel about this.

Im a good guy.

Robby

January 3rd Cont.

2010-02-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

For some reason it is really hard for me to believe that it is only Wednesday. I mean what is up with this week that it decided to play games with me. Silly February.

So I ate one little piece of shrimp yesterday, and I got the worst guilt from it. I am trying this whole vegitarian thing out and I really want to make it stick...but its hard. And having to work with bacon doesn't help. The other dayt at work I was fixing a bacon wrapped scallop roll and the smell of the bacon literally almost made me into a mad man.

In other veggie related news, as someone who used to be hot all the time...I am really begining to keep a constant chill. Parts of me wonder if this is part of my new diet...or if I am just becoming an old man....luckily for me I have stock in Grandpa sweaters.

So in other life news I am reading like a mad man to get my personal reading out of the way because come April, school begins for me again as I work my way to a degree in Sociology or Religion...I cant decide yet...but I have time.

So I dont have a day off this week. I find this out last night at midnight....I want to be upset but it will all be good. I have a way to make it worth it. I'll donate the time to charity.

Anyway I am off to get ready for work.

I love you all.

Febuary 3, 2010

2010-02-02T22:46:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I cannot tell if the music I listen to pulls me down lower or if it is saving my life.

Thats all for now.

Febuary 1, 2010

2010-01-31T21:37:00.000-08:00

Was January as rough a month for you as it was for me?

I tell you what I think January is definatly the month where all the old things from the past year, the things you want dead, are in ICU and they just slip away. January is the month of change and fight and letting go and moving on.

And I think that is pretty brilliant.

So Febuary I am devoting to the new beginings that I want to come out of this life that I have. My work schedule has changed on its own to work in my favor so tommorrow I have to get up and make preperations for school. Switch back to the diploma program so I can be done and go to Peidmont and look at applying to start Summer or Fall finances willing. Is it weird that when I wrote that, I began to smile? I think this is a sign that I am doing the right thing. I know I am. I have to be.

I have some ideas in my head about future projects. Things that will do good works. Things that I hope can happen, even at just the grassroots level. I pray everyday for God to show me the way, then I start thinking and these ideas start coming.

Also I am thinking I may start running. I need to find some way to get out some more of this built up frustration that I have. Its pretty intense to be me sometimes and I need to figure out ways of getting it out. I think running/biking will be my ways of doing this so we shall see how it all works out.

I just pray that there are windows opening for me and I can get my old highschool councelors voice out of my head saying no one will accept me. It has taken me quite a long time to finally figure out what I want to do in this life but I am there and I feel like I am walking to happiness. I am at its front door

I just need support, prayers, the occational kick in the behind (if need be).

I keep sending out the love so if you find some, pick it up...its yours.

Saturday

2010-01-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

I wish I could get lost today.

How I spent my Friday

2010-01-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

Ashley Marie

2010-01-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

I ♥ you.

Thanks for being there to tell me when I am being an idiot and when I am not.

Yesterdays text messages meant alot to me.

So today was....

2010-01-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

So its 3:44

2010-01-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

....and I am wide awake. But I could sleep. My eyes are tired but my mind will not stop going. I knew this was going to be a rough night. I felt it creaping up on me all day. That inner voice saying, you just wait till its dark out and were alone. I am so, oh so tired of this. But what can I do, nothing really except accept this as my reality and deal with it. Love it. I suppose.

Listening to music. Currently Taken by Trees

I am so tired of wanting more and not acting on it. If I just knew what to do and stopped being so silly about things and got my act together maybe...just maybe I could make something of myself. Cause right now I feel like I am slipping through the cracks. I pray that God will save me. I pray that I will save myself. I pray. I just pray.

Tonight a person I used to know told me she stopped talking to me because she was just not interested anymore. She said she could have lied, pretended to be excited to talk to me, but she just wasn't. She said I deserve someone to be excited that I called or text. She gave no other reason than that....she just stopped wanting to be my friend. Nothing I did apparently, all her. Somehow I don't believe her. What I just dont get is why she matters to my world anymore. I dont even want to be her friend but due to social networking both online and in the flesh we are connected, and everytime I see her face, it just bothers me. Because now I think back to all those times spent together, all those moments shared, those secrets share...adventures had as meaningless because they where had with someone who...just didn't want to be my friend anymore....just like that....so I got angry, really angry. My past now seems like bad fiction and I am still surrounded by mementos from times together and they just seem like things now collecting dust, and letters who destroyed trees for nothing.

....and I just ant to be done with it. Im starting a new story, a better one...with people who love me and want to spend time with me. She is right about one thing. I do desereve people who want to be with me. People happy I am alive.

Monday Nights...

2010-01-25T19:50:00.001-08:00

So I am sitting here listening to First Aid Kit, pictured below, on Lala here. Totally beautiful.

also listening to The Pains of Being Pure at Heart....

Lala Here.

and

Girls
Neon Indian
and
Here We Go Magic

You know I was just having a thought in the shower about how all of us with our tattoos and our coffee shops and our soy milk and all these bands. How we are going to age...will I still be wearing chucks and skinny jeans when I am an old man. Will it not look so silly when we become our parents?? I am kind of excited to see what my generation will look like in our older years.

I really do wish I could find a job working in a non-profit or something. I need something else to do. I have been looking and praying. Just say a little prayer for me that God will finally show me the way..

I hope you get smacked in the face with love because no matter who you are I love you. (even you SS...yeah I said it)

2010-01-25T15:51:00.000-08:00

So today was kind of just a fun day, you saw my post from earlier I found a gold coffee cup I have searched for for too long than I care to admit. Then...I found Kevyn Aucion's book Face Forward for two bucks!

You can read about him here. I saw a documentary about him ages ago and was inspired by him. He was one of the people who made me think...maybe it would be cool to have a glamorous job..... I don't know if I ever will but since my very best friend is a photographer I figure I need something to have on deck to help her, also...I think it would be...not very stressfull..and...whatever I also have lots of girl friends (is it sad that I am still looking for reasons to have this book???)

In other news I baked for the first time in a very long time. I made banana bread. Easy and fun! I think I am getting my groove back. Finding myt way in the world again.

My hot tea, just got a little more fantastic.

2010-01-25T11:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you remember when I was watching Lipstick Jungle and I saw this gold coffee cup that I became OBSESSED with...

....well guess what....

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Book Down..

2010-01-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

This book has messed with me in more ways than I am willing to imagine. It has opened me up even more to the possibilities that this life we are given is something that should be cherished with reckless abandon and not just lead the way that I have been going. I am now planning adventures and wild and crazy things in my head. Now I just have to do them.

It's is already happening. I told a friend earlier today. "It's cool. I took a risk. I will do it again."

...and I will. I just have to get going.

Love you.

2010-01-24T09:10:00.000-08:00

It is a totally rainy and beautiful day, all except that in the mists and winds of yesterdays blustery adventure I seem to have picked up a bit of a cold-ish like thing. All is fine thought. I will prevail.

I was going to attempt to go to the eight thirty service at church. I was invited, said I would be there, and when the alarm clock blared at me this morning I was covered with dogs and this feeling of ultimate dred. I feel like God will understand. So what did I do. I made a dutch baby. I found the recipe on Orangette. You can find it here. Instead of doing two I just made one big one, and I used self rising flour which was okay. I probably should have took it out about 5 minutes earlier, but it made the whole kitchen smell like pancakes and I don't know about you but pancakes + rain + fresh squeezed juice = happiness.

So I am listening to The Low Anthem on Lala. Beautiful. Indeed.

So what to do with the rest of this Sunday besides try to feel better. We shall see where it takes us. untill then folks. Have a good Sunday.

...and I hope you find some ♥ today cause I am sending it to you first class.

1-23-2010 A Needed Day.

2010-01-23T18:53:00.000-08:00

So today will forever and always be known as "Robby and Jacobs Adventure Day". My brother has never been to Athens and I thought, since we have the day. Why not do something cool. So off we went. We went to Agora where I tried on silly glasses and we looked in bins of old records and vintage clothes. We went to Bizzaro Wuxtury where he went through the stacks of comics going "They even have this Robby." atleast 10 times. We went thrught the books at Jackson Street and went through the music at Schoolkids where he got the "only released on vinyl albumn he hasn't gotten yet and I picked up a new Smiths albumn and Kings of Leon. Then we ate at The Grit (of course you did, says Katie) where I had potatoes and veggies with grits and vegan biscuits and he had "the best pancakes in the world" (it was brunch) They served our sodas in glass bottles with my brother saying "I had a feeling that would come that way " and all and all had a brilliant time. Now I am about to go pour myself some chocolate soy milk, take a shower, and read some before bed.

I hope you got some love today because I was sending it out mad crazy.

Love you all.

Currently Reading:

Currently Listening to:

Just one more thing....

2010-01-22T20:31:00.001-08:00

Morally wrong to pray for a macbook? Just thought I'd ask...

Music...

2010-01-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

All can be found on lala here. I ♥ lala!

1-22-10

2010-01-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

Today has been an interesting day. I have been fighting with myself all day. Melancholy has been flirting with me all day and I keep telling myself "don't do it Robby, just stop"
For one after a night of strategically placed beverages I mentioned to someone something I normally would not say but I did anyway and I am beginning to believe that feelings are not mutual. Oh well. It happens. It was actually nothing serious, but part of me wants to swear off dating or anything for good.

Then I went to the independent bookstore near campus and browsed for awhile, trying to clear my head. Keep myself happy. I picked up a few books (more to add to the ever growing pile on my desk) but it was a fun hour. Then part of me thought, you just spent that money and you could have donated it to Haiti.

It seems as if I cannot even have a day to just do stuff that doesn't matter. It is as if I am so afraid that I won't make my goals happen that any moment not getting there is a failure. I am making my present a failure to make my "future" more desirable and this just wont do. I need to re-learn to live in the moment. To breathe and just love that I get to do that. To embrace the fact that right here and now the little that I can do I am doing and even though I am not living the "heroic Robby story" yet, I am in the beginning of it. Just love the moment Robby, just love it. In fact dear readers of mine who have my phone number. You can help me by periodically texting me or calling me and just say. "breathe, say a prayer, be glad for this moment" or "love this moment" or "be happy bozo" or something. I am fighting to be a bigger, stronger, better, happier person...but I cannot do it alone.

A friend told me today "your making risks, this is huge for you" (I'm paraphrasing from a combination of text messages, I hope you are cool with it A.) I need to do this more. Challenge myself. Get a tattoo. Run a marathon. Write a poem. Learn the guitar. Kiss a girl. Bungee Jump. Watch a scary movie. Ride my bike. Love my dogs (even more) because these are the hilarious mind bending regretful years full of Jack Kerouac books, PBR, too many late nights and living as if death where a dream and all life is is a Levi's commercial. Its beautiful, and I know God has his name all in it.

So I propose a toast to all my wild faced livers of life, to those who status quo is not an option. To the ones who finally look in the mirror and say I get you man. Live life. Do it. Right now. Go outside and just....do it!

I hope you are sending out the love cause I'm casting it out all day. and send a little extra love (and whatever else you can to Haiti. We got to help those people know that the world loves and that in all the devistaion, they are not alone.

Oh and another thing, love your demonds, they are a part of you. I named mine (more in a later blog, working that one out in my journal first.)

So Carey Mulligan,

2010-01-21T10:58:00.000-08:00

I had this dream we had coffee and talked about books and our shared love of The Smiths and Julia Roberts movies.

Let me know if your game to make this happen.

Love, Robby

January 21, 2010

2010-01-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

So it's a gloomy rainy Thursday and I am not going to let myself get into a rut today. I refuse. So I actually cooked myself some lunch. I made myself a veggie pasta with some "meatless meat crumbles". I think I am finally finding the soul in vegitarian cooking. Maybe. We shall see. I dont see myself devotiong myself to a full plant based diet, I just cannot support factory farming. At all.

So I am listening to the new Eels album End Times. It's quite amazing. Nowadays is pretty much one of my new favorite songs. You can listen to it on Lala here.

So In other news I fully reccomend anyone who is at a point in their lives where they feel entirely lost to go back and listen to the music they loved when they where younger. I did this last night. I was having, not a bad night, just a night of sleep reluctance, so I watched this movie The Uninvited then wishing I hadn't. So I put on Switchfoot, and this is the first song I heard.

Meant to Live

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

[Chorus]
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

[Chorus]

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

I think that Switchfoot has regained ground in my list of favorite bands.

Anyway, I hope you get some love today cause I am sending it out like crazy.

Take it easy. Enjoy the day.

Dear World

2010-01-19T00:05:00.000-08:00

I have decided not to let myself be sad anymore!

Out with all the old and in with the new and wonderful.

A blog loved is a blog stolen

2010-01-17T21:21:00.000-08:00

I just read this quote posted by one of my very best friends Ashley Marie. You can find her here.

I chose a different picture of her though.

Love you Ashley Marie.

Quote

2010-01-17T21:17:00.000-08:00

"Be sure to leave that money on the table before you let those girls at Starbucks talk you out of it" - Dad

(the one day my Dad saw how much my Venti Soy Mocha costs...including tip was a day he will never forget, trust me...he lets me know...alot)

Avatar

2010-01-17T20:45:00.001-08:00

I did for a couple hours get to lose myself in this movie. I mean, I dream of movies like this. Where I can go and just sink in for awhile and loose myself in an adventure. I laughed. I cried. I was amazed.

January 17, 2010

2010-01-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

So I began the day with an overwhelming sense of lonliness. The kind that consumes you like some kind of lead blanket. At times I feel so alone that I feel like I am drowning and nobody cares. I felt very far away from God today. This made me sad. I have had a great many days of feeling this light inside of me and this fire in my belly and the past couple of days I have let it grow dim. I dont know whats wrong with me. I know that this life of mine is not going to be easy, and some days I love that...but there are others that I wiuh I was one of those happy people with their perfect little lives with all there secrets put away and all the answers. Then part of me thinks wishes I knew how those people hide their secrets. I had quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life the other night but I do not want to relive it here. Im trying to kill it. Put it away in the box of "bad nights we cannot help but remember" something in me snapped and on my way home I sreamed to God "I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS!" Because I didnt. I asked for a way to light and love, not for a way to being made to feel like I was nothing by someone who has no right to make me feel that way. I am trying to make myself into a better and stronger person and I am not that strong and all I really want to do now is give up but I cant. I want to put myself in situations where it is dark and dirty but filled with love and right now Im just not there.I feel like I have taken the road less traveled and lost my way. But I go on, cause thats what I do. I need something to live for again cause right noe I just feel like Im going on empty on the fast track to the other side. God show me the way.

i got a crush on.....

2010-01-17T10:40:00.001-08:00

Marion Cotillard

A Rainy Sunday.

2010-01-17T10:07:00.001-08:00

I don't know how to explain this week without sounding ungrateful and whiney so I will just say this. I had a rough week.

All I want to do is go get lost in a bookstore or a record store, and go have some dinner and laugh and relax. But as usual if I do this, I will have to go it alone. I am quite tired of being alone all the time.

2010-01-14T21:49:00.000-08:00

...

2010-01-14T21:24:00.001-08:00

Today has just been a day. I feel like everywhere I turn there is something beging thrown at me about Haiti and I did my part I donated money to the Red Cross and I have prayed...but the negativity that has come out of this just makes me sick. All I want to do is send love out to the Haitians and take them with me as I go throughout the day and just, I weep for them.

And for someone to say they got what they deserve is simply a horrendous thing to say, and Pat Robertson...you will go to heaven, but according to Jesus, you wont play in my sandbox.

I still dont feel like I have done enough, I want to just be used somehow do something physical. Donate blood or something.

Im restless.

2010-01-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

Dear America,

2010-01-14T13:24:00.000-08:00

Just love everybody and help how you can.

I think I have a crush on...

2010-01-12T08:38:00.001-08:00

Jenny Lewis. ♥

2010-01-11T05:51:00.001-08:00

Quote

2010-01-11T05:39:00.000-08:00

Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Life Lesson

2010-01-11T04:54:00.000-08:00

So Saturday night a work was particularly hellish.

I don't want to go into the details because I have already done it a hundred and fifty times though just know that this night took any other "bad night" at work and laughed at if for being a punk.

So anyway this night just followed me around all day on Sunday, I talked about it when I got up, kept mentioning it periodically during the course of the day. I did not get to have a day off because I felt like I was working again all over by just re-living the night before...all day.

So last night I started writing, and the sentence came up "Robby, you make sushi. It's not saving lives. Why do you let it get to you?"

Why do I let it get to me?

I have let my job become who I am. It consumes me in various non-healthy ways. But at the moment work is all I have, besides reading and watching movies. Work is all I do. So in a way what I do has become who I am.

I need to make myself realize that work is not what I am but at the moment a means to become who I am. I think the sooner I can get this through my head the more likely I will be able to be happy with work and happier in my story.

I always feel like God teaches us lessons in every moment if we are just open to them. I think right now im learning to me patient and learning to love the uncomfortable moments because they are what really make the story good.

So we are going to try this today. We are going to go to work and try to enjoy being in that moment because this moment is just a step to getting where I really want to be. So love it.

I think I have a crush on...

2010-01-10T15:43:00.001-08:00

Ginnifer Goodwin

My saturday night...

2010-01-09T21:51:00.000-08:00

♥

2010-01-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

2010-01-07T09:46:00.001-08:00

2010-01-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

2010-01-06T17:09:00.001-08:00

I still believe there is goodness in the world when I listen to The Smiths.

2010-01-06T17:06:00.001-08:00

2010-01-06T10:05:00.001-08:00

1-5-2010

2010-01-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could find a church. I have been looking but nothing seems to fit into the aspects that I want in a church. I dont know maybe I am just not letting my heart open up to the experience but I just feel like I wont know till I know.

Ms. McAdams,

2010-01-03T16:51:00.000-08:00

My name is robby and I think you are pretty swell.

1-3-10

2010-01-03T16:44:00.000-08:00

I am ready for love

...its just got to be right.

January 1, 2010

2010-01-01T14:46:00.000-08:00

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” - Jack Kerouac

This year is going to be epic.

So the topic always comes up "what are your resolutions?" and I have never really been one who would make them because I know they wont make it to Febuary so I have decided to stop it. Today thought I read Donald Millers blog and he suggest turning your goals into stories. Finding ways to make what you want weave itself into the fabric of your story. This is something I can get behind. So I will be spending a portion of my evening in furious writing of what I want this year to do, and make it happen.

I think I put it what I want for this year best in a toast I gave to my very best friend via text message:

"Here is to 2010, may it be filled with ten thousand more stories, a few less heartbreaks, and maybe a scar or two."

I love you all.

Ashley Marie

2010-01-01T13:12:00.001-08:00

I saw this and I thought about us.

So looking out the window...

2009-12-30T21:17:00.000-08:00

...I hear this band on the radio and I fell.

hard

Sam and Ruby
Facebook

Journal Entry-

2009-12-30T20:30:00.000-08:00

So, i think I am about to start sharing some of what I write in my journals in here. Prepare, this could get ugly. You may need a friend.

Or it could be beautiful.

found on my other blog

2009-12-30T20:28:00.000-08:00

for some reason now this feels like a prayer to me.

Arcade Fire

2009-12-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

If the children don't grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

Too much to read...

2009-12-30T12:01:00.001-08:00

...is pretty cool actually.

So...a little BlogLovin

2009-12-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

Terrible Yellow Eyes is quite possibly the coolest blog I have seen in a very long time. It is dedicated to art based on...Where The Wild Things Are!

Happiness is pretty much rampant on this blog.

The art above is Patrick Murphy, you can see his site here.

Keep love alive.

Quote:

2009-12-29T21:43:00.000-08:00

We are called to be a voice and not just an echo. - Kris Vallonton

(Thanks Jacob)

12.29.09

2009-12-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

First of all I must express my deep love for Arcade Fire, I have done nothing but read and listen to music for the past couple of weeks and I have been able to learn more about myself in this time than anything I have done so far. Lets look at some lyrics shall we:

(AntiChrist Television Blues)
I don't wanna work in a building downtown
No I don't wanna work in a building downtown
I don't know what I'm gonna do
Cause the planes keep crashing always two by two
I don't wanna work in a building downtown
No I don't wanna see when the planes hit the ground

I don't wanna work in a building downtown
I don't wanna work in a building downtown
Parking their cars in the underground
Their voices when they scream, well they make no sound
I wanna see the cities rust
And the troublemakers riding on the back of the bus

Dear God, I'm a good Christian man
In your glory, I know you understand
That you gotta work hard and you gotta get paid
My girl's 13 but she don't act her age
She can sing like a bird in a cage
O Lord, if you could see her when she's up on that stage!

You know that I'm a God-fearing man
You know that I'm a God-fearing man
But I just gotta know if it's part of your plan
To seat my daughters there by your right hand
I know that you'll do what's right, Lord
For they are the lanterns and you are the light

Now I'm overcome
By the light of day
My lips are near but my heart is far away
Tell me what to say
I'll be your mouthpiece!

Into the light of a bridge that burns
As I drive from the city with the money that I earned
Into the black of a starless sky
I'm staring into nothing
and I'm asking you why
Lord, will you make her a star
So the world can see who you really are?

Little girl, you're old enough to understand
That you'll always be a stranger in a strange, strange land
The men are gonna come when you're fast asleep
So you better just stay close and hold onto me
If my little mocking bird don't sing
Then daddy won't buy her no diamond ring

Dear God, would you send me a child?
Oh! God, would you send me a child
Cause I wanna put it up on the TV screen
So the world can see what your true word means
Lord, would you send me a sign
Cause I just gotta know if I'm wasting my time!

Now I'm overcome
By the light of day
My lips are near but my heart is far away
Now the war is won
How come nothing tastes good?

You're such a sensitive child!
Oh! You're such a sensitive child!
I know you're tired but it's alright
I just need you to sing for me tonight
You're gonna have your day in the sun
You know God loves the sensitive ones

Oh! My little bird in a cage!
Oh! My little bird in a cage!
I need you to get up for me, up on that stage
And show the men that you're old for your age
Now ain't the time for fear
But if you don't take it, it'll disappear!

Oh! My little mocking bird sing!
Oh! My little mocking bird sing!
I need you to get up on that stage for me, honey
And show the men it's not about the money

Wanna hold a mirror up to the world
So that they can see themselves inside my little girl!

Do you know where I was at your age?
Any idea where I was at your age?
I was working downtown for the minimum wage
And I'm not gonna let you just throw it all away!
I'm through being cute, I'm through being nice
O tell me, Lord, am I the Antichrist?!

There is something so so beautiful in that song.

So now let us go into Robby's Adventures in the "Real World" which up till now I thought was all about seven strangers living in a house...but no apparently not. Apparently the Real World happens when it takes two weeks to find out that a car you didn't really like, and you kind of settled for and everything in your being screamed for you to NOT DO IT but you did it anyway and it ends up that they wont finance it for you anyway. Why? Because you have no credit and your mom who should have great credit co-signed with someone who didnt keep up there end of the bargain. Apparently this is the real world. Honestly all I want is something that I can listen to music in and cover up with bumper stickers. I want something that will not hinder the plan. I think God has been testing me on perseverance and solidifying my faith that he really has it all figured out, and Im just supposed to live and be me. All I know is I am tired of crying over a car. Its stupid. Really stupid Robby. So as we leave this episode We stand at a adventure Mother and I are going out early to look for my next stallion. The coming year is going to be a doozie and all I need is something to get me there. I am + 3 bumper stickers but as of yet - 1 car.

Soren Kierkegaard

2009-12-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

(Wikipedia)
Dear SK,

I am pretty sure I am a fanboy.
Your pretty hard to ignore.

Love, Robby

Some quotes to ponder:

Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are.
Soren Kierkegaard

Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further.
Soren Kierkegaard

Since my earliest childhood a barb of sorrow has lodged in my heart. As long as it stays I am ironic if it is pulled out I shall die.
Soren Kierkegaard

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard

12/27/09

2009-12-27T20:11:00.001-08:00

Today I am learning that even though the past few days have been pretty good. I am still one of God's broken Lost Boys.

I know in my heart that everything is going to work out in the way he has planned, but parts inside of me are screaming for answers that I cannot give and it just hurts to be in my skin.

I need peace of mind.

I let myself be broken apart and I am trying to build myself up but it just feels like the work is almost too much to bare. I need help. I need guidance. I need a rabbi/guru/pastor/mentor that is not quite so far away. I need love.

Im sorry for all the quotes....

2009-12-27T19:18:00.000-08:00

....but right now thats all I have to give. I want to make this blog an adventure but right now all I want to do is scream "why me?" and I dont know if that is healthy but its what I have right now.

Quotes

2009-12-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

Some days I'm driven to my knees to pray when there's nowhere else to go. I hope tomorrow I can live my life as a powerful result of prayer!

Tweet from Shaun Garman

Dec 27

2009-12-27T17:12:00.001-08:00

Dear God,
I need you.
Love, Robby

Quote

2009-12-27T11:22:00.000-08:00

"Why blame the dark for being dark? It is far more helpful to ask why the light isn’t as bright as it could be."
— Rob Bell

Quote:

2009-12-26T21:56:00.001-08:00

"Im pretty sure any relationship that starts with "I Love The Smiths" is doomed for disaster."

I deleted your number...

2009-12-26T20:13:00.000-08:00

...and took your photos off my wall.

I think its safe to say we are not friends anymore.

Im going to try my best to not say your name anymore, I want you to do the same.

...I still love you even though history proves you suck.

Let's Talk Love

2009-12-25T21:35:00.000-08:00

This is...by far...one of the BEST BEST BEST BBBBEEEESSSSSTTTT movies I have seen ever. I mean for real it makes me kind of hate girls and the trouble that they can create...but it really still makes me love love even more because this is a movie not a love story and I had to stop mid movie and go eat a crapload of cake.

I don't even care that Zooey Deschanel broke my heart. Shes just perfect.

Owl City

2009-12-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

Fuzzy Blue Lights

If I could look across the country
From California to New Jersey
Then I would count the parks and lake resorts
And number all the jets and airports
All those rather dreary rain clouds still bother me
Cuz I look through the camera eyepiece and cannot see

If I could open up my window
And see from Tampa Bay to Juneau
Then I would survey all those open miles
And line them up in single file
Everywhere I look I see green scenic sublime
And all those oceanic vistas are so divine

If I was standing on the balcony
And you were walking down below
I'd feel rather depressed and out of place
And lonely just to watch you go
If you were swinging from the highway overpass
Within the western hemisphere
I'd feel rather afraid and insincere
If you began to disappear

If I was walking through a sad art gallery
And you were driving through the night
I'd feel rather alone and ill at ease
Beneath the brilliant showroom light
If I was flying on a plane above your town
And you were gazing at the sky
Somehow I'd feel intact and reassured
If you began to wave goodbye

So I had this dream...

2009-12-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

So I had this dream and it has really puzzled me all day...

So I am in this oasis surrounded as far as the eye can see with grass as green as green. The "oasis" was a house. A modern home with alot of windows and everything was white. I was outside swimming in this pool as blue as the sky which was a particularly epic shade of blue.

So, I dont know how to swim but I was swimming like a fish, and there was a woman with me...and she had on this like 40s style bathing suit and I dont know who she was but I felt this very motherly presence about her...so she got up and was leaving and I bobbed out of the water and began to just sob...and she ran to me, held me and wispered. "Do not ever let anyone or anything stand in the way of your dreams."

...then I woke up.

2009-12-18T12:26:00.000-08:00

Is it so strange that I am having reservatons about attending church again?? It has been so long since I have been out of the church that I dont know what to expect. I know in my heart what I am searching for I crave, I need a place that loveness pours out like oxygen and there is a oneness with every human and joy and hope and goodness. I really dont want a church that has a church like attitude. I need a place where I will not be shunned because of who I am and who I love. It has happened before and was part of the reason I stopped going to church to begin with. I need a chuch to learn and study and work on me. Not somewhere that cares if I am perfect. I need somewhere that accepts me as I am...imperfect, broken, questioning, scared, unhappy, searching for truths. I am building myself back up and I am afraid if I was to embrace a Christian church I would have to deny those beautiful monks and yogis that have watched over me and taught me lessons on my journey so far. This is one of the main problems that I have with my faith how can I feel so deeply connected to everything and yet have to denounce parts of me that helped guide me to where I am. I cannot help but to wonder if there is some feeling of the telephone game where the truth is spread out and each person might tell it a little differently to the point that the end result is a little different than where we began...

...is it possible that we have all got it right but we tell the story a little differently???

Isn't following Jesus about love anyway???

Thoughts...

2009-12-13T22:14:00.000-08:00

So as most of you know in the past few months a friendship I had was strained and eventually two people who where close now describe themselves as "someone I used to know" So I have started tackeling the mess that is my bedroom also lovingly refered to as "the cave" by my parents it has had some neglect the past few months and kind of looks like a...well...it is a dump and I should be punished. Anyway...back to where I was going...upon going through things I noticed several things on my walls, on my bookshelf, around my neck that this person gave to me and my question is this...do I take down the pictures and put them away, stop wearing the gifts, hide the knick nacks or do I keep them as a simple reminder of what was long ago????...even if now through different eyes it feels like those stories are almost fiction...