1-22-10

Today has been an interesting day. I have been fighting with myself all day. Melancholy has been flirting with me all day and I keep telling myself "don't do it Robby, just stop"
For one after a night of strategically placed beverages I mentioned to someone something I normally would not say but I did anyway and I am beginning to believe that feelings are not mutual. Oh well. It happens. It was actually nothing serious, but part of me wants to swear off dating or anything for good.

Then I went to the independent bookstore near campus and browsed for awhile, trying to clear my head. Keep myself happy. I picked up a few books (more to add to the ever growing pile on my desk) but it was a fun hour. Then part of me thought, you just spent that money and you could have donated it to Haiti.

It seems as if I cannot even have a day to just do stuff that doesn't matter. It is as if I am so afraid that I won't make my goals happen that any moment not getting there is a failure. I am making my present a failure to make my "future" more desirable and this just wont do. I need to re-learn to live in the moment. To breathe and just love that I get to do that. To embrace the fact that right here and now the little that I can do I am doing and even though I am not living the "heroic Robby story" yet, I am in the beginning of it. Just love the moment Robby, just love it. In fact dear readers of mine who have my phone number. You can help me by periodically texting me or calling me and just say. "breathe, say a prayer, be glad for this moment" or "love this moment" or "be happy bozo" or something. I am fighting to be a bigger, stronger, better, happier person...but I cannot do it alone.

A friend told me today "your making risks, this is huge for you" (I'm paraphrasing from a combination of text messages, I hope you are cool with it A.) I need to do this more. Challenge myself. Get a tattoo. Run a marathon. Write a poem. Learn the guitar. Kiss a girl. Bungee Jump. Watch a scary movie. Ride my bike. Love my dogs (even more) because these are the hilarious mind bending regretful years full of Jack Kerouac books, PBR, too many late nights and living as if death where a dream and all life is is a Levi's commercial. Its beautiful, and I know God has his name all in it.

So I propose a toast to all my wild faced livers of life, to those who status quo is not an option. To the ones who finally look in the mirror and say I get you man. Live life. Do it. Right now. Go outside and just....do it!

I hope you are sending out the love cause I'm casting it out all day. and send a little extra love (and whatever else you can to Haiti. We got to help those people know that the world loves and that in all the devistaion, they are not alone.

Oh and another thing, love your demonds, they are a part of you. I named mine (more in a later blog, working that one out in my journal first.)