Sunday, January 17, 2010
January 17, 2010
So I began the day with an overwhelming sense of lonliness. The kind that consumes you like some kind of lead blanket. At times I feel so alone that I feel like I am drowning and nobody cares. I felt very far away from God today. This made me sad. I have had a great many days of feeling this light inside of me and this fire in my belly and the past couple of days I have let it grow dim. I dont know whats wrong with me. I know that this life of mine is not going to be easy, and some days I love that...but there are others that I wiuh I was one of those happy people with their perfect little lives with all there secrets put away and all the answers. Then part of me thinks wishes I knew how those people hide their secrets. I had quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life the other night but I do not want to relive it here. Im trying to kill it. Put it away in the box of "bad nights we cannot help but remember" something in me snapped and on my way home I sreamed to God "I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS!" Because I didnt. I asked for a way to light and love, not for a way to being made to feel like I was nothing by someone who has no right to make me feel that way. I am trying to make myself into a better and stronger person and I am not that strong and all I really want to do now is give up but I cant. I want to put myself in situations where it is dark and dirty but filled with love and right now Im just not there.I feel like I have taken the road less traveled and lost my way. But I go on, cause thats what I do. I need something to live for again cause right noe I just feel like Im going on empty on the fast track to the other side. God show me the way.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
As a comment on this post and the one about your bad night at work, I've gotta say that I so feel you. Really wish I didn't, but I do. It's not a feeling I would wish on anyone. I had someone treat me really crappy at work today and I so wanted to respond and defend myself and be equally as condescending in return, but I just deleted their rude email and didn't send the response I had written. Not sending the response was not at all satisfying. I wanted the "release" of telling them off, but I know this person well enough to know that it would have escalated into something much worse. This person is extremely arrogant and isn't going to have their authority challenged. So as much as I wanted to forget it, it's stayed with me all day and I'm just praying that I won't wake up on my freaking birthday tomorrow carrying this person's words over my head.
ReplyDeleteBut a friend of mine's Facebook status today said, "Holding your tongue is wise, holding your tongue is wise, holding your tongue is wise." So, I'm pretty sure that was for me. Loving people doesn't mean we don't hurt, loving people means we don't hurt them back. Now, it doesn't mean never standing up for yourself or allowing yourself to become a doormat, but we have to use wisdom in our responses to people. Maybe both of us will find creative ways to better our situation. I'm praying something comes to mind cause God knows I hate office work. In the long run, the pressure of my job doesn't amount to anything, but for now, I have to meet deadlines or I run the risk of screwing up things for a bunch of people. As much as I want to say 'screw it', I have to bear the pressure of pleasing 5 bosses. I only hope it won't be for much longer.