....and I am wide awake. But I could sleep. My eyes are tired but my mind will not stop going. I knew this was going to be a rough night. I felt it creaping up on me all day. That inner voice saying, you just wait till its dark out and were alone. I am so, oh so tired of this. But what can I do, nothing really except accept this as my reality and deal with it. Love it. I suppose.
Listening to music. Currently Taken by Trees
I am so tired of wanting more and not acting on it. If I just knew what to do and stopped being so silly about things and got my act together maybe...just maybe I could make something of myself. Cause right now I feel like I am slipping through the cracks. I pray that God will save me. I pray that I will save myself. I pray. I just pray.
Tonight a person I used to know told me she stopped talking to me because she was just not interested anymore. She said she could have lied, pretended to be excited to talk to me, but she just wasn't. She said I deserve someone to be excited that I called or text. She gave no other reason than that....she just stopped wanting to be my friend. Nothing I did apparently, all her. Somehow I don't believe her. What I just dont get is why she matters to my world anymore. I dont even want to be her friend but due to social networking both online and in the flesh we are connected, and everytime I see her face, it just bothers me. Because now I think back to all those times spent together, all those moments shared, those secrets share...adventures had as meaningless because they where had with someone who...just didn't want to be my friend anymore....just like that....so I got angry, really angry. My past now seems like bad fiction and I am still surrounded by mementos from times together and they just seem like things now collecting dust, and letters who destroyed trees for nothing.
....and I just ant to be done with it. Im starting a new story, a better one...with people who love me and want to spend time with me. She is right about one thing. I do desereve people who want to be with me. People happy I am alive.
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I don't believe her either. I think there is also something more. She won't talk to me about it and that is my biggest clue. Don't worry though, the best thing you can do is disconnect yourself emotionally. That's my absolute most best-est advice I can give you.
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