Valentines Day

I am pretty sure that it is your best friends who are the ones who are willing to hold up the mirror in front of your face and say "I'm worried" I got this today from someone who I love dearly.

This all started because this weekend I got scared. I was having a great night with friends that I love. It had snowed and we where all in our pajamas, we played in the snow, we watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics...and then...it all goes dark...until I wake up to a blurry memory of sitting in front of the toilet getting sick...then I woke up in the morning. I got very sick. It happens. I have gotten sick before, but...something about this time just cut me deep. I was fighting with myself earlier in the day and had to take my medicine so I have a feeling that that was part of what sent me over the top.

I want to understand why. I know for the past couple weeks that I have been in the gutter. I have been at the breaking point. I have began to change my life completely. I feel like I got to some low, deep dirty places in my being and I am ready to let the light in. I am trying. I got the best quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, she says "Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."

So I am actively pursuing God in an attempt to become a better me. I went to church today and being Valentines Day the sermon was about love using the 13th Chapter of First Corinthians -

1 Corinthians 13 (New Living Translation)

Love Is the Greatest
1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

I am pretty sure I will have this memorized soon enough.

So I am not saying I am happy. I am not saying I am fixed. I am broken. I am sad. I am. I am. My self is full of holes that ache to be filled. But I am on the road, and I know Jesus is by my side. I pray for grace. I pray for peace. I pray to be made into a warrior of love.

I don't want to be one of those guys who drinks his life away. Me and Him have had a talk. I told him I was tired. I told him, it's time to go. I am not saying that I will never go out again. I am not saying another drink will not pass my lips. I am saying I am tired of loosing myself. I want to be able to enjoy life to the fullest...and remember it. I want to make this life an adventure that is so great that when I get to heaven God says, "you loved well. you lived well. you did good."

So I am making a pledge to myself. To let there be cracks in my heart so that the light can get in. To make every day an adventure. To pray. To read the Bible. To do good. To live well. To love well." So those of you who love me,I need your help. I need you to hold me accountable to myself. I need you to have faith in me even when I don't have faith in myself. I need you to love me. I need you to pray for me (if you pray).

Well I am going to close this now saying simply...

Namaste. I love you.