March 23, 2010

So today I got really frustrated.
Yesterday at work some things where said to me and I went into work with my parents blessing as well as a full intention to turn in my two weeks notice.
I have just about had my fill.
I was texting with my mother, and I said to her "maybe I dream to big." and "why has my life turned out this way?"
her reply
"dreams and life dont happen you have to work for both"
...sometimes I feel totally blessed to have my mother as my mother. She also said I needed to "grow up and decide what I want and do it."

Which I think I am doing???

My problem is I am a dreamer that needs to put in the legwork. I also have realized that I am the kind of person that puts my needs behind others, something that can be a good thing but seems like moreso gets abused.

I guess I just have little faith in myself.

So hear is a thought, as a Christian should I take my same mustard seed faith and apply it to my way in a form of radical self love? Keeping God and People first but reaching even further to love myself a little too?

...I don't think this is wrong but I am going to look into it a little bit more.

So I have been listening to Christian radio a lot more lately and I hear this song by the Sidewalk Prophets that I thought I would share:

The Words I Would Say:

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

I cry everytime I hear that song.

March 14, 2010

So, if you are looking for an action movie that put you on the edge of your seat waiting for what happens next than I totally reccomend wanted to you. Wanted is the story of a man whose daughter is taken by mobsters (if you will) for sex trafficing...and he goes to find her. It is a good movie. But that is not what this blog is about...

...This blog is about things that have happened to me in the past when I was in Europe and being approached by girls and not knowing the severity of what could have or was happening to them. This movie brought back all of that and has filled my head with these girls that I had some how forgotten these girls who God only knows what has happened to them. These girls are what consumes me tonight.

I am tearing up just thinking about this and full of rage that I didnt know I could have. I am mad at myself for not praying for these girls, mad at myself for forgetting them.

.....how do we do this to each other???.....

I really dont have anything else to say, except I love you. I love them. But I wish we where all better.

God Bless.

Untitled Day

So last night I got home to find out that my Uncle Herman had dies.

he was very sick from cancer, and he went in his sleep.

...death scares me.

But for some reason it hasnt affected me like I thought it would. I mean, it is sad...but according to everything I have read in the past few months he is having a party in heaven and the next phase of his adventure has begun and this one...this one is pretty epic.

I also cannot get the Peter Pan quote "to die will be an awefully big adventure" out of my head.

So it did hit me for a little while, but last time I saw him he was so small and he was very sick so I just cannot be to sad...is that bad? Whatever darkness happened in this world is not with him anymore...

My mom has taken it hard, as I am sure she would it being her brother. I know how I feel about mine and shes known him alot longer that I have known mine. Gran isnt letting herself get upset too much, she knows its not good for her...so thats good. SO just keep a prayer going for us. Its a sad patch but were doing alright...I think.

So I am researching Lent, I have heard about it all my life but I dont know exactly what it is. I know I am going to make this one memorable.

Anyway, watch Be Kind Rewind...it will change your life.

and also Mom sent me one of those emails that have inspiration in them and there was a beautiful quote:

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass....

it's about learning how to dance in the rain."





Be kinder than necessary,

Because everyone you meet

Is fighting some kind of battle.

So, I will leave you with that...something to think about...


I love you all. Remind me to hug you when I see you.

January 3rd Cont.

For some reason it is really hard for me to believe that it is only Wednesday. I mean what is up with this week that it decided to play games with me. Silly February.

So I ate one little piece of shrimp yesterday, and I got the worst guilt from it. I am trying this whole vegitarian thing out and I really want to make it stick...but its hard. And having to work with bacon doesn't help. The other dayt at work I was fixing a bacon wrapped scallop roll and the smell of the bacon literally almost made me into a mad man.

In other veggie related news, as someone who used to be hot all the time...I am really begining to keep a constant chill. Parts of me wonder if this is part of my new diet...or if I am just becoming an old man....luckily for me I have stock in Grandpa sweaters.

So in other life news I am reading like a mad man to get my personal reading out of the way because come April, school begins for me again as I work my way to a degree in Sociology or Religion...I cant decide yet...but I have time.

So I dont have a day off this week. I find this out last night at midnight....I want to be upset but it will all be good. I have a way to make it worth it. I'll donate the time to charity.

Anyway I am off to get ready for work.

I love you all.

So today was....

My hot tea, just got a little more fantastic.

I don't know if you remember when I was watching Lipstick Jungle and I saw this gold coffee cup that I became OBSESSED with...

....well guess what....

















I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1-23-2010 A Needed Day.

So today will forever and always be known as "Robby and Jacobs Adventure Day". My brother has never been to Athens and I thought, since we have the day. Why not do something cool. So off we went. We went to Agora where I tried on silly glasses and we looked in bins of old records and vintage clothes. We went to Bizzaro Wuxtury where he went through the stacks of comics going "They even have this Robby." atleast 10 times. We went thrught the books at Jackson Street and went through the music at Schoolkids where he got the "only released on vinyl albumn he hasn't gotten yet and I picked up a new Smiths albumn and Kings of Leon. Then we ate at The Grit (of course you did, says Katie) where I had potatoes and veggies with grits and vegan biscuits and he had "the best pancakes in the world" (it was brunch) They served our sodas in glass bottles with my brother saying "I had a feeling that would come that way " and all and all had a brilliant time. Now I am about to go pour myself some chocolate soy milk, take a shower, and read some before bed.

I hope you got some love today because I was sending it out mad crazy.

Love you all.

Currently Reading:












Currently Listening to:

1-22-10

Today has been an interesting day. I have been fighting with myself all day. Melancholy has been flirting with me all day and I keep telling myself "don't do it Robby, just stop"
For one after a night of strategically placed beverages I mentioned to someone something I normally would not say but I did anyway and I am beginning to believe that feelings are not mutual. Oh well. It happens. It was actually nothing serious, but part of me wants to swear off dating or anything for good.

Then I went to the independent bookstore near campus and browsed for awhile, trying to clear my head. Keep myself happy. I picked up a few books (more to add to the ever growing pile on my desk) but it was a fun hour. Then part of me thought, you just spent that money and you could have donated it to Haiti.

It seems as if I cannot even have a day to just do stuff that doesn't matter. It is as if I am so afraid that I won't make my goals happen that any moment not getting there is a failure. I am making my present a failure to make my "future" more desirable and this just wont do. I need to re-learn to live in the moment. To breathe and just love that I get to do that. To embrace the fact that right here and now the little that I can do I am doing and even though I am not living the "heroic Robby story" yet, I am in the beginning of it. Just love the moment Robby, just love it. In fact dear readers of mine who have my phone number. You can help me by periodically texting me or calling me and just say. "breathe, say a prayer, be glad for this moment" or "love this moment" or "be happy bozo" or something. I am fighting to be a bigger, stronger, better, happier person...but I cannot do it alone.

A friend told me today "your making risks, this is huge for you" (I'm paraphrasing from a combination of text messages, I hope you are cool with it A.) I need to do this more. Challenge myself. Get a tattoo. Run a marathon. Write a poem. Learn the guitar. Kiss a girl. Bungee Jump. Watch a scary movie. Ride my bike. Love my dogs (even more) because these are the hilarious mind bending regretful years full of Jack Kerouac books, PBR, too many late nights and living as if death where a dream and all life is is a Levi's commercial. Its beautiful, and I know God has his name all in it.

So I propose a toast to all my wild faced livers of life, to those who status quo is not an option. To the ones who finally look in the mirror and say I get you man. Live life. Do it. Right now. Go outside and just....do it!

I hope you are sending out the love cause I'm casting it out all day. and send a little extra love (and whatever else you can to Haiti. We got to help those people know that the world loves and that in all the devistaion, they are not alone.

Oh and another thing, love your demonds, they are a part of you. I named mine (more in a later blog, working that one out in my journal first.)

Quote

"Be sure to leave that money on the table before you let those girls at Starbucks talk you out of it" - Dad

(the one day my Dad saw how much my Venti Soy Mocha costs...including tip was a day he will never forget, trust me...he lets me know...alot)

A Rainy Sunday.

I don't know how to explain this week without sounding ungrateful and whiney so I will just say this. I had a rough week.

All I want to do is go get lost in a bookstore or a record store, and go have some dinner and laugh and relax. But as usual if I do this, I will have to go it alone. I am quite tired of being alone all the time.

Quote

Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Life Lesson

So Saturday night a work was particularly hellish.

I don't want to go into the details because I have already done it a hundred and fifty times though just know that this night took any other "bad night" at work and laughed at if for being a punk.

So anyway this night just followed me around all day on Sunday, I talked about it when I got up, kept mentioning it periodically during the course of the day. I did not get to have a day off because I felt like I was working again all over by just re-living the night before...all day.

So last night I started writing, and the sentence came up "Robby, you make sushi. It's not saving lives. Why do you let it get to you?"

Why do I let it get to me?

I have let my job become who I am. It consumes me in various non-healthy ways. But at the moment work is all I have, besides reading and watching movies. Work is all I do. So in a way what I do has become who I am.

I need to make myself realize that work is not what I am but at the moment a means to become who I am. I think the sooner I can get this through my head the more likely I will be able to be happy with work and happier in my story.

I always feel like God teaches us lessons in every moment if we are just open to them. I think right now im learning to me patient and learning to love the uncomfortable moments because they are what really make the story good.

So we are going to try this today. We are going to go to work and try to enjoy being in that moment because this moment is just a step to getting where I really want to be. So love it.

Quote:

We are called to be a voice and not just an echo. - Kris Vallonton

(Thanks Jacob)

12/27/09

Today I am learning that even though the past few days have been pretty good. I am still one of God's broken Lost Boys.

I know in my heart that everything is going to work out in the way he has planned, but parts inside of me are screaming for answers that I cannot give and it just hurts to be in my skin.

I need peace of mind.

I let myself be broken apart and I am trying to build myself up but it just feels like the work is almost too much to bare. I need help. I need guidance. I need a rabbi/guru/pastor/mentor that is not quite so far away. I need love.

Im sorry for all the quotes....

....but right now thats all I have to give. I want to make this blog an adventure but right now all I want to do is scream "why me?" and I dont know if that is healthy but its what I have right now.